What if...

Spent some time with him today... Suppose to watch Chicken Little then after that go home for chicken soup... But decided not to watch in the end.. Then went to the bus stop, and I kinda was affected by some small matter.. Was all happy and cheery till don't know why at one point, like i just fell into a deep well.. Haiz...

Was just pondering on the way home, like what would my future be like, what would happen to me, if i never exist in this world would i make of any difference or what..
Seriously, I myself also have no idea why i suddenly though of this topic... Weird..

When i reached home, I was watching the 9pm show and the 10pm show... Like the story line today all very sad.. Man dump a girl for another woman... So sad and hurting.. Things then just started to run through my mind, relating similar incidents to the story line... Felt a gush of fear and insecurity... Not once that these has ever happened, but thrice... Well, guess most of the time things just don't go the way you want them to be.. Having this strong urge to cry and let it all out, but apparently it is not possible as most of the time, i just have to put up a false front... Like who doesn't right..

Loosing the inner self in me, as it seems that i am one who does not have beauty, be it inner or outer.. Sometimes, or i rather say most of the times, I don't understand why i am not comparable to others whom to me seems so "non-threatening"... Maybe this is just part of life to gain experinces and to learn from them too..

It is times like this when i have this tendency to compare, like why do my close friends get guys that are so into them, whereas for me, are those normal ones... I don't mind them at all, but just wonder why when a girl is good to a guy, the guys just don't really appreciate it.. In fact, guys prefer girls who are mean and fierce to them, then they will listen to them... How ironic can this get... Hahaz...

The fear of loosing is strong, like i am about to die from this battle... Loosing my position, my will, my strength and everything else.. Love is definitely the strongest pillar of support in a person's life.. Maybe i am paranoid, maybe i am right.. But all i hope for now is just the strength to carry on no matter what happens... Especially if my largest pillar of support ever breaks apart...

Well, shall end here today... What a negative side of me... Did not ever expected myself to write such a long post and such a negative one too... Haiz... Bye...

School starts!

Sian ah!!!! School has started already... My goodness.. But thankfully i am still in the same class which is like damn good because i can staill hang around with my darling candice, shihui, chaplin and so much more people... Hahahhahahahahahz... Got not much things to write, but just hope that this semster, this class would do well so that we will all be promoted... Hahahahahhaz... what lame things am i talking about... But this sem got maths to do... Argh! Met the jinx, mathematics is the jinx in my life! hahahhahahahz.... Okie okie... Got to go for my psychology tutorial now... Hahahahaz.. Shall start learning today how to psycho people.... Muahahahhahahahahahahahah... Okie.. Till then, take care and bye!

A bit too late...

Well, damn bored at home, so i decided to make this blog account active again... Hahaz... Now then i finally realise who are those who stand by me always... Was rather down due to the lost in contact with my best friends... But what can i do?

People move on and they meet new people... Forgetting the old and hanging out with the new ones are the most common thing... Hahaz.. I think even I am somewhat like this... Hahaz... I was lucky to have Rennie and my family to celebrate this year's birthday... If not, i think i would be so bored rotting at home... Did not expect much, but i guess i should not even have expections on them in the vey first place...

Well... Shall stop talking bout the unhappy stuffs, but move on with my life...

Firstly, i would like to thank Rennie so much for the present... Must be a very expensive present right... Thanks so much dear... Thanks for sacrificinh your time to spend the whole day with me... Hahaz.. Really loved it..

Next, my poly darlings... Shi Hui, candice and Chaplin... Erm, but chaplin sorry ah, you cannot be my darling... Hahaz... Only the above two girls are my darling... But you are still a GREAT GREAT friend yeah.. Thanks so much for the teddy bear(trumpeter)... FIRST soft toy i ever recieved from my friends... Hahaz.. So pathetic right.. But I am still unable to open the back... Hahahaz.. Thanks so much for the present and making my life so fun in the first semester.. Hahz... Without those crazy times and the rebelling, i donnoe how bored life in Poly would be... Hahaz...

Hahaz.. Gonna miss you guys so0oo0ooo much if we are to change classes... But i guess in poly, you would still have time for friends right? Hahahaz..

Hmmm... Shall end here and hope that i would write in here real soon.. Hahahhaz... Smiles everyone!!!

School reopens

Well, life is generally still the same for me.. Just that school starts later now and ends later too... Logical right.. i have a new group of friends in life too... Enjoying the time i spend with my classmates as they are really cool people..

Nothing to do in this lesson.. so bored that i am literally rotting down here... Cant wait for this to be over... Joined the biathalon team in school.. Yeaps, i think those from springfield would be very shocked that i joined this CCA.. Must be thinking ' sheryl, biathalon, ARE YOU KIDDING??? ' Hahaz... Nope, i am not... Must keep fit and have healthy lifestyle.. I also wanna lose weight lah.. Hahaz... I never join TP band... Cause... You know lah ah.. HAhaz...

Just wanted to type and put some stuff in my blog... Missing all my close friends and those crazy times we had.. Be it gossiping or talking bout... You 3 girls should know wha lah ah... Cannot write here.. If i do, i will die... Hahaz... Well, still looking forward to eat with U Thong, but you 3 girls are always so busy... With what i also don't know... Haahz.. Take care then. Hope to blog soon...

Finally!

Hahahz! Today get back O'level results... Did fairly well, could do better, but no use regretting now yeah.... Can go into mass communication i very happy le, so must apply and pray hard that i get into mass com soon.... Hahhaz...

Lisa did very well, so i feel very happy for her.. So00oo0o0o0o0o0o0o proud of you girl... Hahahz.... Today had band too, so i thought the sec 1s as usual... Was rather fun, but they are not very obedient... Hahahaz...

Then went for dinner with my 3 er zis and nu er and their part time father... Hahahaz.... So00o0oo0 long never like that le... Very happy.... Then join lisa they all and walked around Century Square....

Nothing much to talk about, so shall end here today... To those o level students 2005, Work hard and study smart.... Must do well okie.. Hahahz...

Disappointed in this fellow...

Damn hurt today... Thanks to this fellow... Know this arshole for like 4 years le, but this fellow is a total traitor to ITS friends... I feel so downgraded to be ITS friend for 4 years... Haiz....
The more i am trying to help one, the more IT is trying to go against me... IT thinks that IT is very noble, winning the favour of others... But ITSELF is bringing harm and influencing bad stuffs to the others!!! If i get to see IT now, i ensure that i will WHACK IT till IT dies of internal injuries!!!!!!!! What is ITs problem by opposing me?! Does IT gain any sense of satisfaction or victory?! If that is the truth, just freaking tell me lah! Idiot, don't know how tough it is to guide and teach people!!! Then start to stir up some stupid shit bout me... Just to make other hate me... I am so freaking pissed that i just feel like banging against the wall to vent my frustrations!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!
Nothing better to do can tell me one lah, no need to create stories and make others bear a grudge against me! To think that i trusted you and beleived that you are my freind, guess i was TOTALLY wrong about you... If you are unhappy with me or what, you can just tell me, no need to create stories to blame me for something that i did not do! If you have the guts, just tell me straight in my face okie?! Guess this trust that we have for one another would NEVER be build again!

IT= SEE DELONG TIRAPONG

THIS MARKS THE END OF OUR FREINDSHIP DELONG, YOU BLOODY FREAKING TRAITOR! TO THINK THAT I BELIEVED AND TRUSTED YOU S0O0O0OO MUCH!!! I WAS WRONG MAN.. THANKS FOR GIVING ME THIS LESSON... I REALLY LEARNED IT THE HARD WAY!!! DON'T EVER THINK OF GETTING BACK TOGETHER AGAIN, CAUSE A SHATTERED GLASS CAN NEVER BE FIXED BACK TO ITS PERFECT SHAPE!

Haiz

Today as usual, woke up late... Then i went shopping with my mum... Did not manage to get anything, but at least i spent time with my mum... Well, was rather disappointed when i was on my way home cause one of my friend who i know for 4 freaking years kinda lied to me... Haiz, that person obviously don't know that he/she is not doing any good, but harm instead.... Damn disappointed in that person man...

Spend the other few hours of the day rotting at home, thinking about stuffs.... Then found out that maybe i am not cut out for this life... Cause so far nothing has been going right... Be it love life, friendship or any other relationshps.... Haiz... Only have a few people who i can really trust as i know that they will always be there for me... Talk to him, but the conversation did not turn out good... It was very dull and boring.... Haiz, guess it is because of the past.. The conversation was like so cold, or rather say he seemed cold towards me.... Is this really the end? Should i have not rejected in the first place... Haiz, if only i could turn back time...

Well, there's band practise tomorrow... So very little people are online... Very boring.. Shall end here today... Hope that tomorrow would be a better day... And that the practise can be like last week....

Quote for the day: FOR EVERY CHOISE MADE, THERE IS A PRICE TO PAY

Great day!

Just came back from watching Howl's Moving Castle... Wha, it is such a good movie man! Somemore i watch the movie with my 2 er zi... Miss the times we went out together man... All those late night movies with 2 of them and delong... I really hope that this is the beggining to a happier start for the four of us.. Hopefully i can include the eldest er zi in too... Hahahz... It was so comfortable and fun.... The movie is so0o0o00o0o0o0oo0o0o0o romantic and sweet! Darn, now i am in the mood to fall in love... Hahaz! But haiz, i this kind, find guy also not say easy... Hahaz.. If only i could be like the girl in the story.... In my dreams man... Keke...

There was also band today... I was teaching the secondary 1s.. Then some of them say they wanna quit... Well, naturally as a senior i don't wanna them to quit, so tried to talk to them.... Hopefully things would turn out better... But i really like my juniors.. Very talkative, just like me.. Hahaz.. Then the trumpet section had some emotinal things on today... Haiz,i reall pity atika... Major, still got school work, still got to stress over the section... Wha, salute to her man... She is my idol ah... Atika, hang in there... It would be fine soon... I know thatyou can do it one.... II'S ALL IN THE MIND... Hahaz... Then sahiddah got stressed over the sec 1s... Must learn how to control and teach well... Trumpeters all sure can do it one... If you guys got any problem, DO NOT hesitate to come and tell me okie... Trumpeters, please put in your best and dont make stephanie or atika worry for you guys anymore... Make their life easier okie... Hahaz... Well, it is getting rather late... So i shall go to slumber land and dream of my charming prince... Hahaz...

Fun at Gim moh's place...

Finally i am able to write in my blog aagain... Stupid computer of mine, giving me soo0o0o0o many f***ing problems... Cannot go hotmail, cannot go friendster, cannot go blogspot and more.... Hahaz... Well, for the past few days had alot of fun... Especially that day at gim kai's place... Wha like gambling den sia... Hahaz... Won quite a lot of money from mr poh, but in the end still lost all of it.. Hahaz.. No luck in gambling... Then we watch Ju-On in gim kai's room... Found out that gim kai actually sleep on PINK bedsheets!!!! ARGHHH!!! Cannot believe it man.. hahaz... Mr Poh was so sacred that he did not watch but keep asking what happen... Hahaz... sat between jun xiang and geraldine... Jun Xiang still can watch until he fall asleep ah.. Professional... Hahahz...
Then we 'lao' yu sheng... So fun, 'lao' until even the chopsticks got stuck in the pile of vegetables... Hahaz.. Then had steam boat for dinner... Sat between Mr Poh and lisa, so i kept seeing liver revolving round my eyes.. HAahaz... Liver lovers ah those two... Then watch 2 movies, i do i do and hide and seek.... I do i do is really a very good movie.... Reccomend those people who are very stressed to go and watch.. Hahaz.. You will laugh all the stressness out ah..Hehe... Hide and seek still okie lah... Not that good to me...
Nothing much to write lah... Just that results are coming out this friday... Wha very scared but also excited... Hahaz... Okie, going for school's sports day tomorrow.. So better go rest le... Hope that i am able to update my blog soon...

WHY???

Hahaz... So long never write in my blog le... Now so free, so just decided to write... Haiz, ever since december, everything like not going my way..... Be it love life, band or even those who WERE the closest to me.... How i wish i could turn back time and not repeat ALL the mistakes that i made... But I know that just lamenting would not help, and there is no way to travel back in time... The only thing that i can do now is just to accept the fact and do my very best to make it better... Only I myself can make my own route out...
I have lost the closeness between most of my sons and daughters.... I know that i have only myself to blame for neglecting all of them during my o'level period.... Guess that no time was just all bull shit and excuses.... Because of my foolishness and excuses, i caused a big fat trouble in band and jeopardised the relationship that i HAD with all of them that. I had put in so much effort just to create, but i used my own bare hands to destroy it.... Guess i don't deserve the respect that i gained from them before... I can't blame them, but just to blame myself... Guess that's how life goes....
I miss the fun that i had with my first 3 god-sons.... When after band we would just have so much fun together... Stay in Ping Yi till the teachers would chase us out... Going for dinner, have fun and talk.... Then purposely take bus 38 home with Eugene though the journey is very long.... Hahaz... Not forgetting the outings and the late night movies with eugene and jun xiang, the way joseph cheers me up with his innocence and so much more experiences.... Then having the crazy times with all my daughters and just being loud and laugh over the simplest things in life.... Not forgetting Jodie.... I was so happy when she was from the same primary school as me.... And that very day when she asked me to be her god-jie... I was so honoured.... But now, haiz... I really donnoe what is going wrong between two of us.... Things are just not going right.... Nothing is... Because of my negligence, i have made Mr Poh's life more difficult then ever... Sorry Mr Poh, i never expected this to happen cause i believed that all of them knew what was best for them.... But i guess that i was too naive to think that way... I am really lost now, at my wits end as i don't know any method to make things better... I really really want the situation to be like before, year 2004....
To all my sons and daughters: I am very sorry if i did not do my part to guide all of you.... Sorry that i was the one who made things worse for you all... Sorry that my foolishness had made you guys go into another path that was not the very best for you all.... Sorry if i had ever been to strict on you guys... Sorry that i care for you all too much.. Just sorry that i have ruined all of your wonderful lives.... My exixtence was useless..... I am truly sorry..... All i ever wanted was just to care, love and add an extra joy to all of your lives.... Guess i failed in that area.... Sorry...
To all janice, maureen and jodie: I am sorry for being such a disappointment to you girls... I did not live up to your expeectations.... I have failed to be a good mei or jie.... Very sorry... Sorry that i did not do my best to spend more time with you all to play my part... Sorry that i ignored you girls at times..... Just really sorry... I just was too idiotic to neglect you three... I am the most useless mei or jie that could ever exist on earth.... Sincere apologies...
To all the trumpeters: Sorry if i was not the best section leader you girls could ever have... Sorry that i always frequently scold you all.... Sorry that i am not good with my technique, be it my playing skills, reading of notes, teaching you all, reading rhythm and more... I just wanted you all to be the best section, the best players with the best attitude..... Sorry if i push you all too hard...
To all the other band members: I am sorry if i was never a good senior to you all.. Sorry that i have failed to play my part as a good senior.... My so called 'help' was rather making things worse... Sorry that i was the destroyer, rather than helper... Sorry for being so loud and irritating.... Just want you all to put in the very best you can in whichever matters you are involved in... Don't be like a failure like me.... Sorry...
To Mr Poh: I am sorry that i have created an extra trouble for you to go and worry about and make life more difficult for you.... Sorry for that extra burden... I was too dumb to see it coming and did not do anything to prevent this from happening.... Sorry for being such a disappoinment...I really want to say sorry from the bottom of my heart..... Sorry Mr Poh....
To all the aluimni members: Sorry that i only know how to ask you guys for money every month.... I know that it is very irritating.... Sorry that i am such a lousy player... Its just i cannot make it... Sorry for being bossy and bitchy when it comes to meetings or what.... Truly sorry....
I am freaking hurt but its all what i deserve... SORRY to all the band members.... If i am making things worse, just tell me.... Don't wanna be like the jinx in the band.... Please continue to work hard and listen to Mr Poh.... Don't be stubborn like me anymore, cause things would just get worse and the only thing that you can do is just to regret....
Shall end here today.... Life is just not what you want it to be, but what you want to achieve.... Nothing is impossible and it's all in the mind....